This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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