Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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