Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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