i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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