the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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