i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
