So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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