My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
