I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ladies don't puke and tell
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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