do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
