Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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