Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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