matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
