she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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