I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
