I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
