I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
