T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
