My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
