It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
