he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
This toilet bowl is my home.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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