bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
