I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
