I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
