Where is the hickey?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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