I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
