Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
