Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
