holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
