I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
