I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
