giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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