I think I died a long time ago.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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