They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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