if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
