T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
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I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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