btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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