Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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