The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
