Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
