I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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