So drunk its hurt
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
