who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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