i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize