I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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