He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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