Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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