i just sent this text using only my big toe
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i need some magic done to my vagina
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
