i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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