I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
