Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
